The Apple of My Eye Read online

  Martha may have convinced me to accept Paul’s parents’ hospitality with the plane fare, but even she had understood when I told them there was no need to meet us at the airport. I would rent a car and drive to their house. They seemed to understand too that I needed to maintain some sort of control and have a means of escape, just in case.

  The plan was for Noah and me to stay at their home. This made me a little nervous, so I scoped out various nearby hotels and verified that rooms would be available. Having a back-up plan helped me breathe easier.

  . . .

  We retrieved out luggage and picked up the rental car. I was looking forward to the drive ahead, with time all to ourselves before we would arrive at Paul’s childhood home. Noah was quiet in his car seat, watching the world go by. I doubt he noticed, but I could easily tell when we drove out of the big city into a more rural landscape as large buildings were gradually replaced with barns and farmhouses. I felt a relaxing of my muscles, as if stepping out of the hustle and bustle of city life and into a more serene place and time.

  It was late summer now, important to me since my seasons seemed to be how I was marking time these days. Was the transition real, I wondered? Paul had died in the spring, late spring. I was meeting my in-laws for the first time in summer. All I could hope was that this meeting was as natural as the shifting of the seasons.

  Shimmering, fuzzy waves of heat hung stagnant above the pavement. Was I driving into a fiery furnace? I really wasn’t sure what was waiting for me at the end of the road. Ava had seemed polite and kind over the phone, but what did I know about her, really? What about Len? I hoped this trip was not a horrible mistake. I pulled at my collar as I felt the heat rising.

  Looking beyond myself, beyond the asphalt outside to the world beyond, I noticed the growing number of trees. Fields of corn and other crops I couldn’t identify drifted past my eyes, and it felt as if the heat of summer seemed insignificant. But here, even the heat had purpose, drenching the crops and trees in life giving light.

  I rolled down my window and welcomed the weather into the car. It was not an unpleasant feeling. Despite my expectations, it was only mildly warm, and with a breeze born from my highway speed, I found it comforting. It filled me with hope.

  . . .

  I shouldn’t have worried about Ava and Len. They were warm and inviting but also very sensitive to my angst. They invited us in but let every decision be mine. Did I want to sit in the living room or the family room? Would I like the chair or the couch? Would we like something to drink? Or perhaps eat? I assured them I was perfectly comfortable.

  We looked at each other, taking stock. My father-in-law was solid compared to my lean father. He was wearing jeans and a plaid button-up shirt. A gold-colored watch was on his left wrist, a short distance from the wedding band on his ring finger. His skin was old and leathery, tanned with a smattering of darker freckles.

  My eyes moved to his face. His eyes were blue, just like Paul’s. If Paul had inherited his auburn hair from his father, I couldn’t tell since Len’s hair was now a shining silver, but it had the waves all too familiar to me. His features appeared to me as kind. I could tell he wanted to smile, especially at Noah, but didn’t want to appear too eager or pushy. His eyes, however, gave him away. They danced in Noah’s direction, just like any new father or grandfather, showing a mixture of love, pride, wonder, and joy. I could deny him no longer.

  “Noah, this is your grampy. Can you say hi?”

  Noah looked up at me for confirmation then turned to look at the stranger across the room. I smiled at Paul’s father, silently giving him permission to do the same. His face beamed and Noah immediately started to laugh. It broke the tension in the room, and suddenly I could see the possibility of being family.

  I looked at my mother-in-law, taking her in for the first time. She had eyes only for Noah. While she looked at him, I looked at her. She was a small woman, barely over five feet was my guess, with soft round features. Any hard edges appeared to have been erased over the years with experience and the extra pounds that often come with aging. Her hair was brown with gentle auburn highlights, whether real or from a bottle I couldn’t tell, but it was beautiful around her face. She wore no makeup, a woman comfortable with herself. She beckoned to Noah with outstretched hands and a soft, musical voice, “Noah, would you like to come here?”

  He turned at her voice, and appearing to trust it, crawled slowly in her direction. Before he reached her arms, she produced a toy, a small, bright red ball. He giggled with delight, moving faster, then plopping down so he could reach for the ball with both hands.

  For the next two hours I quietly observed while this newly discovered family interacted with my son, their grandson. Len was gentle in every action. He immediately moved to the floor to be with Noah, using soft words and slow movements so as not to startle or scare his grandson. Avalon was at times soft, at others loud with her contagious laugh.

  They all played as if they had never been allowed to play before and might not be allowed again. It was frantic in that urgency, but gentle in its execution. From time to time Noah would search for me with his eyes, to verify I was still there, but then he would return his attention to his new entertainers who seemed to hang on every sound he made. He began to purposely make small noises to catch their delighted reactions. I believe Noah could have played that game alone for the whole two hours had there not been so many other good ones to play.

  Ava and Len kept producing new toys, with a sideways look of chagrin at me. I wasn’t even sure where the toys had been hidden, but sure enough, every ten or fifteen minutes a new one would appear in one of their hands, and Noah would squeal with delight.

  They were clearly enjoying spoiling their grandson, however prudent their spending normally appeared to be if the surroundings were any indication. Their home was modest, the furnishings neat and clean but old and sometimes worn. They cared for what they had, but were not lavish except when it came to Noah. They must have spent a fortune at the toy store, but I was quite certain, without any regrets.

  Len was slowed by age, but Avalon appeared invigorated by it. She was a bundle of nervous energy, playing with Noah, but constantly checking herself to ensure she wasn’t stepping on my toes or being too pushy with my little one.

  With such intense play, it was no surprise when Noah turned to me and crawled into my lap, nestling his head on my chest. I lifted him with me into a nearby rocking chair. He was asleep before I could even begin to rock.

  The three of us went silent, watching the sleeping cherub in my arms, not wanting to disturb him nor break the spell of the moment. But I had not come for only this, even if it was better than I could have hoped.

  “Thank you for ... ,” I wasn’t quite sure how to categorize their treatment of Noah. I didn’t want to thank them for the toys; that sounded shallow. I didn’t want them to think I only cared about what they would buy for us. I also wasn’t ready to thank them for being Noah’s grandparents; it was too soon for that. My parents still felt like his “real” grandma and grandpa. These two would become his grandparents, if they chose. I would facilitate it, but a single afternoon was only a beginning. So, not knowing how to end the sentence, I simply nodded towards the sleeping child in my arms.

  They nodded silently in return, respectful of my absence of words.

  TIME FOR TRUTH

  Eager to move to what was weighing on my mind, I asked, “Would you mind telling me about Paul?”

  Ava gave me a thoughtful look. I believe she understood the true nature of the question, even expected it. So, she didn’t hesitate long before responding, “I have many stories to tell you, and eventually, if you like, I will tell them all to you. But I imagine that what you are really seeking now is something different. You would like
answers.” She looked at me for confirmation. I simply nodded in reply.

  “I think the best place to start is in the middle. Is that all right?”

  I appreciated this woman’s forthright nature. It wasn’t harsh, just honest, and honesty was what I was hoping for. Again, I nodded my assent.

  “Paul was an exceptional child, everyone’s favorite, as I’m sure you might imagine. He always drew people to him, and for a number of years that was a good thing.

  “When he entered high school, it took on a new form. He was learning more about the power he wielded, and it intrigued him. I noticed him experimenting with people around him and what he could get them to do. He was not harming his friends, but he was flirting with danger for himself. His father and I both spoke with him, warning him that his motives were not pure, and his actions would lead to no good if he continued. Unfortunately, where he used to listen, the teenager in him rejected all we said, dismissing us as old-fashioned, meddling parents.

  “His behavior escalated, but not right away. For a time we thought maybe he was actually internalizing what we said while rejecting it to our faces. He was doing something good with his power over others. He and his friends, or his following if you will, began to notice the outcasts, the kids who were picked on or bullied on a regular basis. Once they identified these kids, they started to stick up for them and protect them. His group was big enough that they could stand against the worst that high school had to offer. It was quite the thing to watch!” She paused, with a wistful expression on her face. In that moment we were all wishing things had stayed that way.

  Avalon was lost for a moment, far away. I hated to pull her back to a far less comfortable place, but I was impatient for the truth. “Then what happened?” I gently prodded.

  She was startled back and looked at me as if she didn’t know who I was or why I was there. I’m sure she actually knew, but I also represented all that she didn’t want to acknowledge. A single tear formed at the corner of her eye and trickled down her cheek. I felt guilty for having brought her back, for having inspired the memories that made her sad.

  Len saved us both. “Brea, if you don’t mind, I’ll continue her story.”

  I was touched by his kindness, and now at a loss for words myself, just nodded in his direction.

  “Brea, Paul was a real piece of work. You know what he did? One day one of the kids he helped offered him some kind of treat. It was a candy bar or cupcake or some such thing. That’s all it took. Within a very short period of time, he had turned his kindness into a full-blown protection business! Can you believe that?”

  I was learning his frequent questions were all rhetorical, but I nodded or shook my head when the moment was right, making sure not to actually interrupt his train of thought.

  He continued, “He and his friends started taking money for their ‘services’! It even got bad enough that they started making up invoices! Boy, do you have any idea how we reacted when we found out what was going on? I’ll tell you, it wasn’t pretty. We tried to help him understand that the only difference between him and the bullies was that the kids were happily giving him money rather than forcibly so, but either way they were victims. Often the nice bully is the worst one of all. He didn’t hear a word we said. We informed the school officials about it, and they were none too happy either. He was suspended for a week, along with all his friends.” Len shook his head at the memory of it. “He had the further gall to complain to us when we didn’t let him hang out with his friends during his suspension! I’ve never seen such an unrepentant fool.”

  I dared a glance at Ava, who had pulled herself together again. Her husband was still shaking his head, and she took over, this time to relieve him. “That was, I think, the real turning point for both of us. He became more defiant, and we became more determined than ever not to let him bowl us over as he seemed to be doing with everyone else. He even managed to sweet talk the school into changing his suspension to a private reprimand for his school record. That way it wouldn’t affect any possible college admissions. He kept getting away with whatever he wanted, and we warned him that it would catch up to him someday.” She stopped with a small gasp, realizing that she could have just been referring to his death. “Oh, I’m sorry, Brea, I didn’t mean ...”

  “It’s okay. I’ve made peace with all of that. Please, go on, I want to know what happened.”

  “It’s just that Paul didn’t know how to back down. Once he chose a course of action, that was it, no turning back. He refused to see any other side to it.

  “Well, Paul continued to make his plans. He was intelligent; there was no doubt about that. He set his sights on some of the best colleges in the country. We went over the finances with him and explained that we couldn’t afford the pie-in-the-sky places he was looking at. Hard as it was, we told him we would not go to any extraordinary measures to deal with those high costs as long as he was unfeeling and manipulative of the people around him. That did not sit well with him at all, I’ll tell you! He was furious!”

  Len added, “I didn’t know he could get so mad. He finally asked what our bottom line was for money, and could he take it in a lump sum. That seemed an odd request, but we told him what we could pay over time or the smaller amount that he could have right then, if that was his desire. He said he would let us know. After that, he became very secretive and withdrawn from us. The day after graduation he came to us and politely asked for the lump sum of money we had offered.”

  Ava took over with, “Before he walked out with his bags, he told us this was his inheritance money. He would never ask for more. But, he went on to say, he would show the world how it was really done. He was going to take this ‘small pittance’, as he called it, and build something out of it. When he was done he would have a real inheritance, one he could be proud of.”

  “Within a few days he took the money and left,” Len concluded sadly.

  I’m not sure why it hadn’t occurred to me, but I hadn’t reconciled how we had bought our house with the inheritance money from his parents, seeing his parents were still alive. The question I had forgotten to even ponder was answered right in front of me. With whatever seed money he had been given, he started college. However, the real breakthrough had come with the app contest he had entered. The half a million dollars was the real inheritance that he created, the one he could be proud of. It felt good, in an odd way, to fill in the holes, putting the pieces together in a puzzle that was part beautiful and part ugly. I realized, with irony, that when he talked about being a “self-made” man, he had been telling the truth all along.

  I noticed after their story was complete there was a pause in the conversation, and Len and Ava exchanged odd glances with each other. I didn’t doubt what they had just told me, but something was missing; only I wasn’t sure what.

  I rocked the sleeping Noah in my arms while looking from one to the other of them, trying to understand the unspoken communication passing between them. I posed what seemed to me to be the obvious question. “What about Owen’s death? Didn’t he die about the time Paul left for college?” I bluntly asked. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. It had been clear that Owen’s death was not an easy topic, and I had brought it out into the open without any kind of warning. But as I looked at them in turn, I knew this was the root of what they were leaving out.

  My questions were met with silence, but I was not to be deterred, and I returned their silence with an expectant silence of my own. I continued to look from one to the other, but they would not meet my eyes.

  Finally, I spoke. “I’m sure this isn’t easy for you to talk about. But I need you to understand that I have to start this relationship with complete truth and honesty.” I looked at Ava and then Len, but they still would not return my look.

 
Anger burst over me as I refused to accept the partial story I had been told. Too forcefully, I prodded, “I’ve had enough of deceit, and I will walk out the door without a backward glance if you’re not able to give me the whole truth.” I was shocked at the threat that had just escaped my lips. Only, I knew I didn’t view it as the threat it sounded like. I had learned a lot about myself over the last couple of months, and one thing was clear, I was not going to embrace this extra family without complete transparency.

  Avalon looked up at me with shock and hurt, but I was relieved to see no anger. “No, please don’t go,” Avalon begged. “I just ...” she said before lapsing again into silence.

  “Ava, why don’t you get us something to eat or maybe a drink? I’m sure we could all use that about now.” Len looked at his wife with love and concern. It was clear he was allowing her to leave, to escape the truth hanging heavy in the room. She looked at him with relief and wordlessly got up and moved off in the direction of the kitchen.

  “Brea, it’s not that we want to hide things from you, but we don’t talk about this very much. It’s just too painful. We basically lost both of our sons within a few weeks of each other. Dealing with the finality of Paul’s death, that no reconciliation will ever happen, has brought back the pain of Owen’s passing. It’s too much to ask one mother to bear.” He looked down at the floor in sadness and regret.

  I wasn’t sure how to respond. I felt responsible for bringing that grief back, because of Paul’s death, but also my insistence on hearing the whole story. Should I back down? I wondered. I remembered Martha’s counsel to me that I could choose my path. I wanted to get the painful part over with, to not have it hanging unspoken over our heads. Decision made, I turned my attention to the sleeping Noah in my arms. Gently I stroked his sweaty head while waiting patiently for Paul’s dad to collect his thoughts.